I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
