He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
