He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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