i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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