my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
