I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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