there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
