i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
