Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
