There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
