You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
