Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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