I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
