Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
