So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
