When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
