I met the friendliest cop last night
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
