when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize