how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
