my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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