I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize