turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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