I will die if light touches me.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
