I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
