take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
