More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
