Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
