I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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