conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
