btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
