Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
