I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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