my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
