so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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