First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
