I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize