Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
