i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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