i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize