we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
