I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
