3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
