If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
