I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
