Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
