maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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