That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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