My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
birth control should be required to get into college
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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