her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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