She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
