I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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