Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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