In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
