This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
