We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
