I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
