your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
