Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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